Love Island 2018 Episode 1 – A Review

If you were having scantily-clad withdrawal symptoms after the end of the last season of G-O-T, your luck was in last night… though perhaps with a bit less plot, and intellect?

Yes, the moment FINALLY arrived when five girl-not-so-next-doors and five buffer-than-the-buff-guy-from-white-chicks guys were hummer-driven to possibly a pretty stunning exotic location where they will reside for the next eight weeks, all in the hope of winning 50K to be crowned the winner of this year’s LOVE ISLAND.

You didn’t watch it?! I’ll fess up – I’ve never watched it before either, but in the interests of remaining “down with the kids” or “at one with my peers”, I felt obliged.

Here’s a basic break down of what happened:

Five girls entered the property wearing a mic pack bigger than their bikinis, and heels possibly even bigger. After a whole lot of “OH MY GOD”s in a variety of accents (Scouse, Essex, Scottish, Blackpool and London), you couldn’t help but think they were keeping their enemies closer as they took a seat and eyed each other up and down with nervous laughter and fake bants. Oh, I forgot to mention the tans.

Then, one-by-one, five guys entered… Tans? Tick. Six-packs? Tick. Whitened teeth? You bet. The TOWIE cliché was relived, and we then watched them open themselves up to public humiliation as the girls had to step forward if they “fancied them”. The one they didn’t? The DOCTOR. PAH! The Doctor was utterly mortified to be rejected TWICE, and then spent the night looking uncomfortable as the other “cool guys” clearly bonded in a “lads, lads” kind of way. Perhaps he’s already seen too much in life, as a 27 year old who works in A&E. (though given the amount of alcohol likely to be consumed in the series, he’s probably a useful addition to have).

So Barbie and Ken pairings were made, and are ready to take on challenges, get to know each other, and EVEN sleep in the same bed (on the first date? Wow).

In all fairness, a couple of the couples actually looked like they made a genuine connection, and I almost googled “where to buy a wedding hat”.

Dani Dyer (yes, Danny Dyer ACTUALLY named his daughter DANI Dyer) was paired with Jack – a PEN SELLER (no really) from Essex. If Ben Affleck was Essex-fied, this would be him. They were like the male/female versions of the same person – his teeth were as white as her cut-out swimsuit. They hit it off.

Self-proclaimed “Spiritual” and “Deep” model, Eyal (there’s always one cunt with a guitar [inbetweeners] – this will be him), picked the fellow model and super Scouse Hayley. Niall from Coventry chose a Mercedes-from-Hollyoaks look-a-like, Kendall. Air Hostess Laura, (who at 29 is the oldest female) was ‘picked’ by Wes, 22. And the two rejected individuals that nobody “fancied” were thrown together – Dr. Alex, and Samira.

THEN, they brought out the game-changer. Adam. Geordie, PERSONAL TRAINER Adam. The big reaction didn’t even come from the girls. The guys withered in the heat as they compared their six pack to his twelve pack. Their height to his 6ft 4. His role in the show? To choose which one of their girls he swipes from under them.

Yes, ITV2 basically showed us “what a real man should look like”, and that if you don’t, you should be worried.

I’m going to get serious here –. Most of the contestants have Instagram accounts with copious amounts of pouting, parading and nudity, so it’s not forced upon them. But here’s my massive issue.

All year we’ve listened to Hollywood accounts of actors and actresses who are objectified by gross senior decision makers, forced to do awful things. We’ve seen the #METOO used EVERY DAY to highlight the volume of inappropriate remarks, moves and behaviours made towards women and men across industries. We’ve watched feminist marches asking that we can wear what we want, and it doesn’t mean it’s an invitation. We’ve seen a huge rally against airbrushing in an attempt to show that what you see on a screen isn’t real life. We’re trying to encourage more girls into STEM subjects. We’re telling women that they DO fit in the boardroom. Major retailers are telling women to “embrace their curves” and “show their stripes”. Men are being told it’s ok not to be ok and that the suicide rate amongst their peers is too high.

But here, right here, ITV2 told the millions of young girls and guys watching that actually this is how we should all look and behave in order to BE someone. If you’re not like them, you are NOT someone, and you SHOULD be bothered. And are they not undoing all of the above?

It was pretty much a meat market, with the “best” cuts picked, the others thrown in the bin. The beautiful, gobby egos were favoured over those with degrees or talents.

I’ll say again, we all know that the contestants know exactly what they’re letting themselves in for when they put themselves up for this, but I’m seriously worried that this type of individual is what we are now aspiring to be. Tan-tastic clones that fake idiocy in order to appear “zany” and “cool”.

So I’m finishing with a plea – PLEASE don’t think that this is real life. PLEASE don’t think you have to look like this. PLEASE want more from your life than Instagram fame. PLEASE value others for their contribution to society and kindness. PLEASE contribute more to society than an Instagram account and be kind to others. PLEASE value education and don’t ever dumb yourself down. PLEASE never underestimate the power of good conversation and wit – these can last a lifetime, but looks fade, and fame fades even quicker.

But I’m still, like, really, really, REALLY desperate to find out which hottie that Geordie Hunk is going to swipe on episode 2. #possiblythebestcliffhangerever.



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